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MY BLOG HAS MOVED!

Sunday, May 13, 2007


I'm moving house (blog) - come and find me here, no need for a house-warming gift, just bring your kind hearts, warm smiles and big bearhug's :-)



posted by ukok
Sunday, May 13, 2007

Confuddled

Saturday, May 12, 2007



Okay, I'll admit it, I'm confuddled.

I just discovered two things that have really disconcerted me. Firstly, that Sitemeter users unwittingly permit third party spyware cookies to infiltrate our own computers. I was gobsmacked at this. I followed the advice on this site and discovered 11 'specificclick' cookies and 12 'sitemeter' cookies on my computer.

A lot of these cookies are apparantly used to record/log details about where I go when I'm online etc. When I joined up to sitemeter, I didn't agree to that. After I removed the sitemeter and specificclick cookies from my computer I found that I could no longer log in to check my sitemeter stats....even when I tried to use my log in details. To be sure I hadn't made a mistake, I got the details re-sent to my email address. Still can't log in. I even changed my settings to allow sitemeter cookies again just so I could see if I could get it to admit me, no go.

This is not all bad. Sitemeter, while informative, has been a little unhealthy for me. I won't be too sad to see it go, I might even find it liberating to not care who visits or how many hits I get in a day. I have long been more interested in interacting with the people who do comment here than worrying about who doesn't.

Secondly, I'm thinking about quiting blogging...or rather, I'm thinking about quiting blogging with Blogger. You can read why here. This was all news to me until now and I have Gabrielle to thank for bringing it to my attention. It would seem that Blogger, or rather, it's owners, have no problem with paedophiles using their blogspace for the promotion of child sex, rape and other acts (or intent) of paedophilia.

This is abhorrent to me and I don't know if I can, in good conscience, continue to blog with Blogger.

I love the freedom and flexibility it offers, not to mention that it's free. But if Blogger's owners put their popularity with paedophiles before protestations of the majority of Blogger users, then just how much is there for me to think about?

I set up a wordpress blog a while ago and have never bothered using it, maybe it's time I thought about getting out of this place?

What say you in light of this information, particularly about this Blogger issue ?

Is there a way of downloading all my blogger posts thus far, en masse to my hard drive, so that I could upload them again to another blog/site at my leisure? I know I get a lot of hits in my archive and I'd like to take them with me, but I've 1072 posts to move if I do decide to go!

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posted by ukok
Saturday, May 12, 2007

19 comments

Fish out of Water?

Friday, May 11, 2007



Mysterious forest creature at Glynliffon?

The above image is of what I can only imagine to have once been part of a tree. I suppose technically it still is a part of a tree, though not living - or is it? Looks like it just might close that eye and wink at any moment.

It struck me particularly, because it was surrounded by a woodland of tall strong trees...it was quirky, how it just lay there like that. I pondered on it a while and concluded that it looked like a fish of some sort - on the right of the picture is even what appears to be an 'eye' if you care to look closely enough you might see it too.

It seemed strangely out of place in the woods and it reminded me of how oftentimes I too feel out of place, out of sync with those around me or the situations I might find myself. Though to my mind it looked like a fish out of water, I was glad to have stumbled across it and it made my day far more interesting than it would have been had I not done so.

Though I might not always (feel I) 'fit in' for one reason or another, I hope that those I meet as I journey through life (whether in person or online), will have been glad to have stumbled across me too.

No. It won't be such a bad thing to end up like that old piece of tree. To have someone stand a while and think of me and to be glad to have known me :-)

God bless!

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posted by ukok
Friday, May 11, 2007

6 comments

Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink

Thursday, May 10, 2007


Darling Daughter

Nothing but rain, rain and more rain here in the Midlands, UK. We have had a near heatwave in recent weeks and now the weathers turned for the worse :-(

Still, it's good for the plants, it's good for the ducks, and where would we be without life sustaining water?

Speaking of water, if you live in the UK, you might be interested in participating in Water4all in June. This is a project run by a group of teenagers trying to raise awareness of those who live without clean water supplies.

Did you know that ...

* 2 million children die each year from drinking dirty water
* 1.2 billion people have no access to safe drinking water and
* the UN millennium target is to halve this number by the year 2015.

If you would like to participate (even if you don't live in the UK) you can do so by drinking only water for the entire day on the 6th June 2007 and by praying. (You are free to eat as usual)

In previous years the water-fast has been longer, for a period of three days, but it's even easier to complete now.

Quite apart from the water-drinking, the Water 4 All project aim to bring the needs of those without clean drinking water to the attention of the G8 summit. Particularly the fact that 1.2 billion people in the world have no clean water and that someone dies every three seconds from diseases due to unclean water. In the UK those who are participating can sign a form to confirm this and their names will be compiled and sent off to the G8 to protest against the lack of intervention for those who we fail to give the basic of bodily requirements.

Sign up forms are available for printing here.

Y'know, if I'm honest, water has never appealed to me as a drink, but it's in the majority of the food I eat and fluid I drink, it's used to ensure that the sewage from my house is removed, treated and used again. It's used to cleanse my body. On a hot summer's day it just never seems cold enough.. When I brush my teeth I invariably leave the water running. When I wash the dishes, I only complain that I have to do them by hand. When I load the washing machine I gripe that I have so much laundry to do.

Instead, I should be thanking God for the water supply that allows me to turn a tap and pour myself a drink of clean, sanitised water at any time of the day or night. I should be thanking God that I can bathe frequently and add all manner of beautifully scented bath creams and shower gels to make me smell good. And yes, I should even thank God that we have so many clothes to wear that we need to use the washer so frequently.

Water is still a luxury to many people. It shouldn't be. We think we're so advanced as a race, and yet we can't/won't/don't even look after those who need our help to give them a fundamental quality of existance.

Like most things, when we don't want for something ourselves, we forget that others go on wanting for that something.

Even if you don't happen to believe that signing a petition will make a jot of difference, please fast from all drinks other than water on June 6th, and pray for all whose basic human right is being deprived them. God gave water to all of humanity, not just a portion of it.

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posted by ukok
Thursday, May 10, 2007

4 comments

Weigh Day

Wednesday, May 09, 2007


There's a new post up on my 'Fit for Forty' Blog, you can read it here.

posted by ukok
Wednesday, May 09, 2007

0 comments

May - the Month of Mary



Stained glass window in Our Lady's Chapel, Sacred Heart Catholic Church - click to enlarge

As always I'm a day (or 9) late and a dollar (pound) short. The month of May is well under way and I haven't even posted on Mary yet. I have been intending to write a post on Mother though, especially since I took the above shot of the huge stained glass window depicting the Blessed Virgin Mary last week. Alas, circumstances have prevented me from doing so. ( namely the car being in the garage for the last 4 days and the children being sick!)

I often go to the Lady Chapel in our church, to pray and when I do so I gaze upon this very image of Our Lady. Most often, I ask her to intercede that my mothering skills will dramatically improve and for our family to emulate the love of the Holy Family.

There's a lot of misunderstanding about the honour that Catholics give to Jesus' Mum, I've written about it many times over the years, so I won't go there now except to say that many good articles can be read online from the links given below
if you are interested in learning more about the Blessed Virgin Mary.



Marian Devotions and Prayers

Page depicting my pilgrimage to Walsingham

Why Jesus wants us to get on well with his mother

The image of Our Lady of Walsingham and what the image depicts

Martin Luther's take on Mary

Prayers to Our Lady of Walsingham

Marian Hymns

Litany of the Blessed Virgin Mary

Blessed Virgin Mary Resources


The Mysteries of the Most Holy Rosary

The Joyful Mysteries
(Monday & Saturday)

1. The Annunciation
2. The Visitation
3. The Nativity
4. The Presentation
5. The Finding of Our Lord in the Temple

The Sorrowful Mysteries
(Tuesday & Friday)

1. The Agony in the Garden
2. The Scourging at the Pillar
3. The Crowning with Thorns
4. The Carrying of the Cross
5. The Crucifixion

The Glorious Mysteries
(Sunday & Wednesday)

1. The Resurrection
2. The Ascension
3. The Descent of the Holy Spirit
4. The Assumption
5. The Coronation

The Luminous Mysteries
(Thursday)

1. The Baptism in the Jordan
2. The Wedding at Cana
3. The Proclamation of the Kingdom
4. The Transfiguration
5. The Institution of the Eucharist


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posted by ukok
Wednesday, May 09, 2007

4 comments

Upon this Rock

Tuesday, May 08, 2007


taken at Llanberis, Wales

As I shot the above image, it reminded me of the following passage of scripture ~

"Simon Peter said (in reply), "You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God."

Jesus said to him in reply,

"Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah. For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my heavenly Father. And so I say to you, you are Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church, and the gates of the netherworld shall not prevail against it. I will give you the keys to the kingdom of heaven. Whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven." ~ Matt 16-19

The Primacy of Peter in Scripture

Matt. to Rev. - Peter is mentioned 155 times and the rest of apostles combined are only mentioned 130 times. Peter is also always listed first except in 1 Cor. 3:22 and Gal. 2:9 (which are obvious exceptions to the rule).

Matt. 10:2; Mark 1:36; 3:16; Luke 6:14-16; Acts 1:3; 2:37; 5:29 - these are some of many examples where Peter is mentioned first among the apostles.

Matt. 14:28-29 - only Peter has the faith to walk on water. No other man in Scripture is said to have the faith to walk on water. This faith ultimately did not fail.

Matt. 16:16, Mark 8:29; John 6:69 - Peter is first among the apostles to confess the divinity of Christ.

Matt. 16:17 - Peter alone is told he has received divine knowledge by a special revelation from God the Father.

Matt. 16:18 - Jesus builds the Church only on Peter, the rock, with the other apostles as the foundation and Jesus as the Head.

Matt. 16:19 - only Peter receives the keys, which represent authority over the Church and facilitate dynastic succession to his authority.

Matt. 17:24-25 - the tax collector approaches Peter for Jesus' tax. Peter is the spokesman for Jesus. He is the Vicar of Christ.

Matt. 17:26-27 - Jesus pays the half-shekel tax with one shekel, for both Jesus and Peter. Peter is Christ's representative on earth.

Matt. 18:21 - in the presence of the disciples, Peter asks Jesus about the rule of forgiveness. One of many examples where Peter takes a leadership role among the apostles in understanding Jesus' teachings.

Matt. 19:27 - Peter speaks on behalf of the apostles by telling Jesus that they have left everything to follow Him.

Mark 10:28 - here also, Peter speaks on behalf of the disciples by declaring that they have left everything to follow Him.

Mark 11:21 - Peter speaks on behalf of the disciples in remembering Jesus' curse on the fig tree.

Mark 14:37 - at Gethsemane, Jesus asks Peter, and no one else, why he was asleep. Peter is accountable to Jesus for his actions on behalf of the apostles because he has been appointed by Jesus as their leader.

Mark 16:7 - Peter is specified by an angel as the leader of the apostles as the angel confirms the resurrection of Christ.

Luke 5:3 – Jesus teaches from Peter’s boat which is metaphor for the Church. Jesus guides Peter and the Church into all truth.

Luke 5:4,10 - Jesus instructs Peter to let down the nets for a catch, and the miraculous catch follows. Peter, the Pope, is the "fisher of men."

Luke 7:40-50- Jesus addresses Peter regarding the rule of forgiveness and Peter answers on behalf of the disciples. Jesus also singles Peter out and judges his conduct vis-à-vis the conduct of the woman who anointed Him.

Luke 8:45 - when Jesus asked who touched His garment, it is Peter who answers on behalf of the disciples.

Luke 8:51; 9:28; 22:8; Acts 1:13; 3:1,3,11; 4:13,19; 8:14 - Peter is always mentioned before John, the disciple whom Jesus loved.

Luke 9:28;33 - Peter is mentioned first as going to mountain of transfiguration and the only one to speak at the transfiguration.

Luke 12:41 - Peter seeks clarification of a parable on behalf on the disciples. This is part of Peter's formation as the chief shepherd of the flock after Jesus ascended into heaven.

Luke 22:31-32 - Jesus prays for Peter alone, that his faith may not fail, and charges him to strengthen the rest of the apostles.

Luke 24:12, John 20:4-6 - John arrived at the tomb first but stopped and waited for Peter. Peter then arrived and entered the tomb first.

Luke 24:34 - the two disciples distinguish Peter even though they both had seen the risen Jesus the previous hour. See Luke 24:33.

John 6:68 - after the disciples leave, Peter is the first to speak and confess his belief in Christ after the Eucharistic discourse.

John 13:6-9 - Peter speaks out to the Lord in front of the apostles concerning the washing of feet.

John 13:36; 21:18 - Jesus predicts Peter's death. Peter was martyred at Rome in 67 A.D. Several hundred years of papal successors were also martyred.

John 21:2-3,11 - Peter leads the fishing and his net does not break. The boat (the "barque of Peter") is a metaphor for the Church.

John 21:7 - only Peter got out of the boat and ran to the shore to meet Jesus. Peter is the earthly shepherd leading us to God.

John 21:15 - in front of the apostles, Jesus asks Peter if he loves Jesus "more than these," which refers to the other apostles. Peter is the head of the apostolic see.

John 21:15-17 - Jesus charges Peter to "feed my lambs," "tend my sheep," "feed my sheep." Sheep means all people, even the apostles.

Acts 1:13 - Peter is first when entering upper room after our Lord's ascension. The first Eucharist and Pentecost were given in this room.

Acts 1:15 - Peter initiates the selection of a successor to Judas right after Jesus ascended into heaven, and no one questions him. Further, if the Church needed a successor to Judas, wouldn't it need one to Peter? Of course.

Acts 2:14 - Peter is first to speak for the apostles after the Holy Spirit descended upon them at Pentecost. Peter is the first to preach the Gospel.

Acts 2:38 - Peter gives first preaching in the early Church on repentance and baptism in the name of Jesus Christ.

Acts 3:1,3,4 - Peter is mentioned first as going to the Temple to pray.

Acts 3:6-7 - Peter works the first healing of the apostles.

Acts 3:12-26, 4:8-12 - Peter teaches the early Church the healing through Jesus and that there is no salvation other than Christ.

Acts 5:3 - Peter declares the first anathema of Ananias and Sapphira which is ratified by God, and brings about their death. Peter exercises his binding authority.

Acts 5:15 - Peter's shadow has healing power. No other apostle is said to have this power.

Acts 8:14 - Peter is mentioned first in conferring the sacrament of confirmation.

Acts 8:20-23 - Peter casts judgment on Simon's quest for gaining authority through the laying on of hands. Peter exercises his binding and loosing authority.

Acts 9:32-34 - Peter is mentioned first among the apostles and works the healing of Aeneas.

Acts 9:38-40 - Peter is mentioned first among the apostles and raises Tabitha from the dead.

Acts 10:5 - Cornelius is told by an angel to call upon Peter. Angels are messengers of God. Peter was granted this divine vision.

Acts 10:34-48, 11:1-18 - Peter is first to teach about salvation for all (Jews and Gentiles).

Acts 12:5 - this verse implies that the "whole Church" offered "earnest prayers" for Peter, their leader, during his imprisonment.

Acts 12:6-11 - Peter is freed from jail by an angel. He is the first object of divine intervention in the early Church.

Acts 15:7-12 - Peter resolves the first doctrinal issue on circumcision at the Church's first council at Jerusalem, and no one questions him. After Peter the Papa spoke, all were kept silent.

Acts 15:12 - only after Peter (the Pope) speaks do Paul and Barnabas (bishops) speak in support of Peter's definitive teaching.

Acts 15:13-14 - then James speaks to further acknowledge Peter's definitive teaching. "Simeon (Peter) has related how God first visited..."

Rom. 15:20 - Paul says he doesn't want to build on "another man's foundation" referring to Peter, who built the Church in Rome.

1 Cor. 9:5 – Peter is distinguished from the rest of the apostles and brethren of the Lord.

1 Cor. 15:4-8 - Paul distinguishes Jesus' post-resurrection appearances to Peter from those of the other apostles. Christ appeared “to Cephas, then to the twelve.”

Gal.1:18 - Paul spends fifteen days with Peter privately before beginning his ministry, even after Christ's Revelation to Paul.

1 Peter 5:1 - Peter acts as the chief bishop by "exhorting" all the other bishops and elders of the Church.

1 Peter 5:13 - Some Protestants argue against the Papacy by trying to prove Peter was never in Rome. First, this argument is irrelevant to whether Jesus instituted the Papacy. Secondly, this verse demonstrates that Peter was in fact in Rome. Peter writes from "Babylon" which was a code name for Rome during these days of persecution. See, for example, Rev. 14:8, 16:19, 17:5, 18:2,10,21, which show that "Babylon" meant Rome. Rome was the "great city" of the New Testament period. Because Rome during this age was considered the center of the world, the Lord wanted His Church to be established in Rome.

2 Peter 1:14 - Peter writes about Jesus' prediction of Peter's death, embracing the eventual martyrdom that he would suffer.

2 Peter 3:16 - Peter is making a judgment on the proper interpretation of Paul's letters. Peter is the chief shepherd of the flock.

Matt. 23:11; Mark 9:35; 10:44 - yet Peter, as the first, humbled himself to be the last and servant of all servants.

Source

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posted by ukok
Tuesday, May 08, 2007

7 comments

Please pray for the safe return of little Madeleine

Monday, May 07, 2007



A British catholic family is desperately in need of your prayers.

You may well have heard on the news about the McCann family. While holidaying in Portugal their daughter was taken from her bed 4 nights ago. The parents had left their three small children who were sleeping in a room just a stone's throw away from the restaurant in which they were dining that evening. The parents took turns to walk up to the room every half an hour to check on the children. Nothing could have prepared them for the nightmare that was about to unfold. Their beautiful little girl wouldn't be there when they next went to check on the children.

Yesterday, three days into the tragedy, Mrs McCann and her husband who are both doctors, went to Mass together. Despite the weight of desperation and anxiety bearing down on them, they went to church to pray, and they asked others to pray for their dear little girl too. Madeleine's mother said....
"I would like to offer my sincere gratitude to everybody, particularly the local community here who have offered so much support. I couldn't have asked for more. I just want to say thank you. Please continue to pray for Madeleine. She's lovely."

Today is mother's day in Portugal and a sombre day indeed for the McCann family. Please pray for the safe return of this precious little child of God and for an outpouring of grace upon the family so that they may find a way to get through each day.

Lord , in your Mercy, hear our prayer

Read more here

The family's statement to whoever has or has had their little girl during the last 4 days.


Edit to add: further updates will be given in the comments box until Madeleine is found

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posted by ukok
Monday, May 07, 2007

12 comments

Give me Sanctuary!

Sunday, May 06, 2007




Friday was a good day for me (apart from the car packing up!). I managed to get the chance to go into the Church and take some shots for a brochure I'm working on for Fr. P. The above image was taken from behind the Tabernacle - which can be seen to the centre-right, at the bottom of the photo.

Sacred Heart Catholic Church is a truly beautiful church, but so often parishioners time there is fleeting and we don't often actually get a chance to really soak up the incredible architecture, the statues that aid our prayer, the overall grandeur of the church. That's why I was so delighted to get a chance to go in and spend some time trying to capture something of the magnificance of the place in which I worship.

Unless we serve on the Altar or are EMHC's, the laity don't generally get to see the Sanctuary from this angle and it was just so captivating that I had to share it with you.

Today the children have both been unwell so we were unable to attend Sunday Mass, so I'm glad to have the above image to reflect upon. I really sympathise with those who worship at minimalist churches and who yearn to attend a parish like Sacred Heart. I'm also glad to report that there are no clown Masses at my parish :-)

Enjoy!

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posted by ukok
Sunday, May 06, 2007

3 comments

Batten down the hatches

Thursday, May 03, 2007



Batten down the hatches folks! (just who says that in real life?!?) there's a wee (very tiny and quite probably insignificant) storm a brewin'. It would seem that there's been something of a misunderstanding about what one Catholic Dad perceives to be (objectionable) 'subtle nuances' in my (very) occasionally (even rarely) referring to myself as finding it tough to be both 'Mum and Dad', to my children.

In my post entitled, 'The Blessing of Children' I spouted forth about a few (a very few) of the difficulties I encounter as a mother raising two children alone, but I thought it to be a postitive post, generally, about how the children are coming around to the idea that they do indeed have something to give to this family, other than a lot of backchat!

However, Catholic Dad - Tony, decided to spout forth about his objection to certain elements of my post going so far as to say that my attitude to being 'both mother and father to my children, ' devalues righteous fathers'. Which of course, I strenuously objected to, for various reasons. And so I missed House and wrote him an email response instead, having discovered that I had to be a member of his blog to post a comment.

Since it is
quite possible that I knee-jerk reacted to his post about my post. I decided to write a post about his post and see what you thought of it. Does Tony have a point? Do I ? Was it all worth missing House for? I'm on the fence on the last one!

So, grab a cup of whatever you fancy and chill to the sound of Ukok gently gnashing her teeth...

Tony's post, about my post: (my highlighting)


The Blessing of a Righteous Husband and Father
Posted by: tony on 05/03/2007 11:22 AM

I have been reading Ukok's blog for some time, and I enjoy her insight and humor (even though she is from "across the pond" and being a "yankee" sometimes I just don't get it).

She relates the trials and tribulations of being a single "mum":

'Sometimes it all just get's too much y'know? I know plenty of married women who feel like that, so it doesn't take much to understand just how difficult it is to be the 'mum' and 'the dad' all rolled into one...to have no support in the home, to have no one to turn to, no shoulder to cry on, no one to step in and say 'enough is enough, don't treat your mother like that'.


There is a fallacy in this statement that I'd like to point out. I am not trying to be mean or insulting.

Ukok, as nice and loving as I imagine she is, cannot be "the dad", any more than the gay partner of a homosexual dad can be "the mum".

I hear this so much from single women raising children: "I have to be the mom and the dad!" And
I bite my tongue, because I don't want to get into a heated argument and hurt someone's feelings. But I have to say it here. If you are a single mom, and the man who fathered your child(ren) is still alive, they have a dad. He may be an absent dad, he may be an abusive dad, or in the case of Ukok, he might be an immature dad, but he's still a dad. And you can't be the dad.

This attitude subtly
devalues the importance of a righteous father in his children's lives. If a woman can be a "mom and a dad" what would one need a dad for? We see it in hollywood where actresses decide to have children without the benefit of a husband in the home either by artificial insemination, or extra-marital sex. Everyone "ooohs" and "aaahs" about Jodie Foster's new baby. No mention is made about the evil of intentionally bringing a child into the world knowing full well there will be no dad in his or her life (though as in Ukok's case, sometimes single parenthood is not a choice and is thrust upon you by circumstances beyond your control).

But a child growing up without the male presence of a righteous husband and father is a tragedy. It should be avoided at all costs.

Ukok has found this out:

(This is what you get when you don't wait for God to choose your spouse)


It took a little while to get into the swing of things, but my wife and I are a tag team when it comes to our children. If they sass my wife, I come to her defense. If they sass me, she comes to mine. They have a specific set of chores to complete during the week (in addition to whatever homework they have). If they complete them by Friday, they get a certain amount of money. Every day they delay until Sunday, the amount goes down until they are still responsible for doing the chores, only they do it for free.

We still have a battle getting them to turn out the lights when they leave a room, or putting the cordless phone away when they are done with it, but my wife and I are blessed with a couple of the most wonderful young ladies on the planet who on a regular and consistent basis make me so proud of them I could almost burst.

My wife and I make an infinitely more complete "parental machine" than either of us could independently. My wife brings love, care, constancy and gentleness. I bring strength, courage, support and discipline (of which the root word is "disciple"). If one of us were gone, a whole section of the skill set would be missing. I'm sure I could learn to be gentle, but I could never emulate the feminine gentleness of their mom. I could never teach my girls, by myself, how to grow up to be well adjusted young women.

Likewise,
Ukok cannot teach her son, by herself, what he needs to know to be a well adjusted young man. He needs to have a positive male role model. A role model who embodies what Ukok considers good and beneficial in a man. She doesn't have to marry him, just allow her son to interact with him (be it a sports coach, a boy scout leader, etc.) Mothers have a habit of discouraging manly pursuits like boxing, martial arts, fencing, target shooting, hunting and trapping. Mothers tend to discourage fighting, while fathers teach sons how and more importantly when to fight.

But almost more importantly, by his example with his wife, a father teaches a young son how a husband relates to his wife. He also teaches his young daughter how a wife is supposed to be treated by a good husband.

I'd like to see: "I am the mom and dad" disappear from a single parent's lexicon.

(Crossposted at Catholic Dads)


When I find out what a lexicon is I'll decide if the phrase or any nuances of it, has a place anywhere. Oh hang on, I remember an old Journey song about a lexicon don't I?...or was it a rubicon? I don't know, any way I shall have to add it to my list of 'big words to look up on dictionary.com'.

And here's my response to Tony:


Hi.

It was bought to my attention by a friend that you had posted this about a recent post I made on my blog. I have to say, I am dissapointed that you felt you could not raise your objection on my own blog, but for the friend, I would knot know you were discussing my post or child-rearing skills. I'm also dissapointed that you feel the need to make my blog post your crusad of the moment, examining it in such detail and using your blog as an 'expose'arena for post's that hit a nerve, even without much substance to uphold that position.

Firstly, I have to point out that tmy post was a post written from the heart, it was never intended to be a post which needed to be qualified in any way or in which I beleived it would be necessary to justify it's content.

Since you haven't left me with much choice and since I feel the need to reaffirm where I was 'coming from' originally, I shall do just what I had thought I would not have to do.

I start then by saying that unless I were a complete idiot, I would have been very well aware at the time of my posting the post, that I could not physically, or via any other means 'be' both parents rolled into one.

However, that 'is' what it feels like sometimes. I have to exhibit the motherly, compassionate tendencies and I also have to be the disciplinarian who makes ends meet and pays the bills. Although we can not (of course) generalise that there is a strict dividing line in aportioning things in such a way as to say that the mother cares and the father does not, traditionally the mother is the primary carer and the father goes out to work and hence, while loving his children as does their mother, he has other concerns like providing for the needs of his family. (let's not take the feminist/modernistic tangent here).

Hence, when I say that I feel I have to 'be' both, I mean that I DO have to act in the capacity of those traditional roles.

You mention that you feel you have to bite your tongue when you hear single mothers say the same thing. I would say to you that I , perhaps like those mothers, have never claimed that the father of our children 'does not exist'. We are, after all, only too aware of the presence of the fathers of the children (or lack of precence - for whatever reason), whether they are indeed, abusive, absent, incapacitated etc.

I think if you re-read my post, you'll find it a bit of a chore to find the line that says, 'I AM the dad and no other exists'. Here's the shocker, my daughters father DOESN'T exist, at least on earth. He is dead. So what say you? May it be possible for me to 'be' father and mother to my daughter (in those traditional roles I mentioned), because her father is dead, but not to my son, because his father isn't dead?

If my post is objectionable, that is cause for argument, but to call-out a blog post and claim that it "devalues the importance of a righteous father in his children's lives", is ludicrous. I am speaking about my own personal situation, on my own blog. I'm not badmouthing the role of fathers. I admire fathers who act out of love for their children. Who love their families with the love of Christ.

You wrote:

"If a woman can be a "mom and a dad" what would one need a dad for? We see it in hollywood where actresses decide to have children without the benefit of a husband in the home either by artificial insemination, or extra-marital sex. Everyone "ooohs" and "aaahs" about Jodie Foster's new baby. No mention is made about the evil of intentionally bringing a child into the world knowing full well there will be no dad in his or her life (though as in Ukok's case, sometimes single parenthood is not a choice and is thrust upon you by circumstances beyond your control)"

I say:

Thank you for noticing that my own situation was not one that I chose to be in. I did not ask for my daughters father to die. I did not ask for my son's father to abuse myself and my children. Ironically, perhaps, all I've ever wanted was for my children to have that which is the right of every child. A loving and contented home. I try to provide that home for my children. And yes, it is hard, but I don't need to tell you that, you are an intelligent man. It's tough enough to raise/be a family when you have a loving spouse by your side.

The relationship you describe having with your wife is that which I feel all who are called to the vocation of Matrimony, have a right to enjoy. And since while I am free to marry (yeah, who'd going to want me right? I'm even screwed up about what sex I am! Mum, Dad, Dad, Mum .... DOH!)God has not chosen to provide me with a suitor, as yet, so until that happens, I will go on as before, acting in the capacity of a father becuase my son's father gives us no maintanence, no nothing.

I do agree that my son does indeed need a role model (s). I believe he does have them. He has my father as a role model for loving ones family, Dad has been married to my mother for 42 years and loves her beyond measure....my son also has my brother as a role model for upstanding citizenship -he's a police inspector and my son wants to fight crime and injustice just like him... he has my boss/ friend , the parish priest, Fr. P...who my son has a good rapport with ... my son confesses to him and can share things with him....AND he has a Dad!

Though it's been incredibly difficult and has taken years to reach this point of civility, my son is having more contact with his father than ever and he now has a really good relationship with him. So yes, there are plenty of male role models in my son's life, I don't think that's a problem at all.

Of course, I did have to teach my son not to pee sitting on the toilet, but aside from that, he's not a sissy, which I hear a lot of men bemoan of women raising boys.(I'm not going to be drawn on your 'guns' comment).

Unsurprisingly I also agree with what you said about a boy learning about how to treat women, from the example set by his father. This is PRECISELY why I took my son out of the marital home (edited to add: with hindsight, my son has access to this webpage, hence the removal of specific details about our lives in the former marital home) it was because I chose to be a responsible mother, a loving mother who put the needs of my children first, that we became a single parent family.

And God WAS in the midst of it all. I prayed constantly to the Lord. I wanted so much for things to be okay. I tried everything to try to make it work. In the end God answered me when it became so startlingly serious that the 'decision' was taken out of my hands.

All in all I think your post is more than a little pedantic. As I said, I never claimed that I AM father and mother, I claimed that it was a struggle to 'be' both mother and father, precisely because I knew what you seem to think eludes me, that I can never be both.

We (single mothers) have the 'stigma' of single parenthood in the social realm to contend with (watch out wives they'll steal your husband/ they're a drain on resources etc)...we have the media generalisations that claim we're all after state benefits and a rent free existance... and we even have decent, upstanding, faith-filled christians like yourself claiming that 'we devalue the importance of a righteous father in his children's lives' when we open our mouths and say how tough it is to 'be' both mum and dad, often in the absence of a father.

...and the next time you overhear a conversation where the mother claims that it's a hard job to be both Mum and Dad, you'd be very wise to not comment, unless the only thing that you could offer her was encouragement, because believe me, you have no idea how much we need to hear that instead of all the negative comments we are subjected to, the generalisations about us. We need your suppport, not criticism. We don't need you to tell us what we already know.

God Bless you.

Obviously I didn't read my typo's before I sent the email and it would not be honest to change them all now...but apart from the fact that I need a course in English Language, what say you?

Labels:

posted by ukok
Thursday, May 03, 2007

25 comments

Bullying.


My son is being bullied again. This has gone on through 3 different schools and with various school- boys over a period of 4 years.

It doesn't look to me like he has the word 'victim' tatooed on his forehead, so why do they do this?

The matter is finally in hand (I hope) after 7 months of victimisation (and not all by pupils of the school, but sadly, by one staff member too) since he started high school last September, aged 11 (he's still 11). My son is now somewhere on a wait-list for mentoring with a professional mentor...to get heard, since up till now no-one in the school system has actually wanted to listen to him.

The bullies have been 'spoken to severely', apparantly.

Joe has also been given the oportunity to change classes -so that he has no lessons with the bullies - of course, they won't remove the bullies from their classes- Joe is the one who has to be moved-less work for them. He doesn't particularly want to do this, he just wants the other boys to be dealt with so he can get on with his work and stay in a class/form that is familiar to him.

I think I'd prefer him to move and have a fresh start- all his lessons will be with pupils he's never had lessons with before- but we don't have to rush a decision- even though yesterday we were told we had only last evening to think about it and the school wanted an answer by today! If he stays where he is there is a danger of this happening again with the same bullies and of the teacher who has been doing her own kind of bullying, continuing to do so. I understand my son's reluctance, and I know that though I can guide his decision, he has to choose because he has another four and a half years in that school.

I hate to see my child hurting and yet I ask him to not retaliate when he is being hit, when a part of me wants to educate him on which parts of the body can incurr the most pain with the minimum physical manipulation. Having said that, I do give him permission to defend himself. I just don't want him to be the aggressor.

Joe is a caring and sensitive kid, I believe it's because he doesn't smoke, drink, brag about having 11 year old sex, swear at the teachers and kick the crud out of his classmates that makes him a target. Perhaps if he was just like the bully boys, he wouldn't be seen to be 'fair game'. I know which I'd prefer for a son.

Interestingly, and not perhaps, unusually, the current bully is the best friend of the last bully who I wrote about here

There's been a significant change in Joe's behaviour over recent months too, he's much more withdrawn and uncomunicative and these aren't changes for the better, they're changes that make me worry even more about him. He's also become much more 'snappy' and short tempered, it's like my son went away on vacation and left behind someone who looks like my son but has an almost totally different personality.

When my son is on holiday from school he is back to his old self, happy and relaxed, but there aren't enough holidays, I'm sure both my children would agree :-)

Like one staff member said today...bullying, especially to the extent that my son has experienced it, can stay with a child throughout their life. Yes it can, it can affect the child's social situations, their sense of self worth, their employment opportunities, their relationships, everything in fact.

I just hope that this is finally getting sorted, but then I seem to recall saying that last time...and the time before....and the time before that :-(

Please, if you can spare a prayer, send one up for Joseph. Thank you.

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posted by ukok
Thursday, May 03, 2007

17 comments

Fit for Forty

There's a new post up on my 'Fit for Forty' blog if you are interested in reading about my weight loss journey thus far :-)

posted by ukok
Thursday, May 03, 2007

1 comments

The Great Bird Rescue

Wednesday, May 02, 2007


Though I'm no ornithologist and have never considered myself to be too interested in birds,they've been on my mind ever since having watched Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds last night (I love Hitchcock films!).

Anyway, I was just about to go and play ball with my son in the back garden and I look down and see these two little visitors before me. Yes, these two little baby birdies were sitting outside my back door chirping away.


In a tree overhead we heard their mother chirping frantically or her babies, in turn the little baby chirpers could hear their mummy and were attempting to respond to her anxious call. Problem was, these birds couldn't fly higher than 3ft and my 6 ft garden fence was standing in the way of their reunification.

They weren't in any hurry to move. They both huddled together and followed one another around the patio. When one tried to fly, the other tried too. Before too long though it was obvious that some human intervention was called for.

So I took the two little baby birdies in my hands...they were so trusting, they hardly stirred at all...



...and placed them on a nearby wall only a little way from their mummy.


And oh boy, doI hope their mummy finds them soon because they are so sweet and so scared.


"I know every bird of the heavens; the creatures of the field belong to me"
~ Psalms 50:10-11

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posted by ukok
Wednesday, May 02, 2007

8 comments

The Homecoming


Mandy, Abbie and Chris

Just heard news that Baby Abbie is coming home from the hospital today, 2 months after her birth :-)

Read about Abbie's arrival into the world here.

Many thanks for all of your kind words, thoughts and prayers, Abbie's family greatly appreciates your generosity of heart.

God Bless you all!

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posted by ukok
Wednesday, May 02, 2007

6 comments

The Blessing of Children

Tuesday, May 01, 2007



Being a single parent family can be hard, especially when the children of the family expect the lone parent to do absolutely everything to cater to their every whim. In recent years I've been exasperated by my childrens lack of care for the the home in which they reside.

When I became ill shortly after we started out on this journey as a single parent family, I lacked the phsyical and emotional strength to be forceful about how I wanted things to be. In addition to this, when we left the former 'marital' home,frankly, we had more than enough to deal with... my son was swearing as a matter of course in all that came out of his mouth (he'd heard so much swearing and seen so much anger displayed)...my daughter was timid and withdrawn emotionally (she had witnessed so much violence and aggression, and heard things said about her that were just plain evil). Added to that there were all sorts of problems, court attendances to sort out everything from contact with the children (for my ex), to what I would get (which was precisely nothing- in fact as all the bills had been put in my name, even when I left, I had to pay his bills initially as well as my own for the new house).

It took a good couple of years just to get my (then) four year old out of the habit of saying the 'F' word when he was angry and to have him learn to deal with his feelings in a different way. There were many, many obstacles preventing our living a normal family life.

It's been an uphill struggle all the way, emotionally and physically, there's been a lot of tears, I'm sure that there will be more to come - somedays I just feel we're right back at square one and it makes me want to cry, sometimes I do - usually out of frustration because I feel I'm swimming against the tide and more than ever it is then that I cling to my lifeboat, my Lord, my help in troubled times.

Sometimes it all just get's
too much y'know? I know plenty of married women who feel like that, so it doesn't take much to understand just how difficult it is to be the 'mum' and 'the dad' all rolled into one...to have no support in the home, to have no one to turn to, no shoulder to cry on, no one to step in and say 'enough is enough, don't treat your mother like that'.

I'm not too proud to say I need help and I've asked for that help from the children many times over the years, with regard to helping out around the house.

I've given the children every opportunity to be responsible for their home...
I've tried telling them 'it's your duty' (huh?, why is it?, they say) 'you should want to help' (yeah right!!! they snorted), 'if you loved me you wouldn't want me to do it all myself' (here we go again, Mum's doing the emotional blackmail thing), and 'I'll pay you' (whatever you give me can't possibly be enough).

Yup,nothing worked ever and not being affluent, I haven't been able to offer much financially,so over the years I've tried good honest talking to them and telling them how much I want and need their help, I've tried sticker charts, chore sheets, family rewards like going out somewhere nice or having a McDonalds (see, how far I'll go to get them to help out !!!). Nothing has worked. Correction, nothing has worked for longer than 2 days.

I've banned toys, banned going out with friends, I would have banned their birthday pressies if I could have! Nothing has worked. This is what you get if you feel weak and you present a weak front, and when you try to stand up strong, you burst in to tears instead. Children are better than terriers at sniffing out fear and weakness.

(This is what you get when you don't wait for God to choose your spouse)

I can't even blame the kid's really. It's my fault. I'm not heaping coals on myself because I like to feel sorry for myself, the fact is, I've allowed things to turn out like this.

I think from the very beginning I've made our life together as a single parent family, an overcompensation. Because of our poor financial situation, I couldn't give them much, so I did it the only way I could, by giving out all the hugs and cuddles I could and by not demanding that the children do anything. They both had such a rough time of it before we got here that I think I felt that there was just too much for them to contend with already.

Y'see. When I was 'married'
(In the 'eyes of the church' I wasn't, but legally, I was) my 'husband' was like a third child in our family. He demanded all of my attention and when he didn't get it, he acted up. He did everything he could to let me know that my first priority was keeping him happy. The children suffered horrendously. They simply weren't allowed to be children. This continued for years, way too many years. Many of you have read the posts in the archives going into more details and I don't feel I need to go there again, feel free to read them if you feel inclined to do so.

The children were so 'damaged' emotionally when we became a lone parent family that I felt I couldn't ask anything of them, instead I just wanted them to protect them and let them be. After the first couple of years of their
healing, of their 'blossoming' into the kind of children who had previously been thwarted at ever turn, I asked them to take on small responsibilities and because they were so unused to helping out in any way (though sporadically they would clean their rooms) that the running of the house and everything that entailed, was left to me.

I resented that, and consistantly asked for help, especially as my health deteriated. They children tried for a while, and then they just stopped bothering again. Every month (for years and years) we would have this climax where I would call a family meeting and tell them how dissapointed I was with them (and shout and scream), the children would get upset that I felt that way, vow to help more, and it would last a couple of days until they forgot the family meeting and how their lack of assistance had made me feel.

If I recall correctly, I actually remember being told by my children that since I didn't have a full time job, I should be doing everything anyway. I think I dished out a smack or twenty along the way too...

So, now my daughter will turn 16 in November and she's reached a point in her life where she wants to accumulate funds for, well, I don't know exactly...she's probably saving for deposit on a bedsit to get away from me in a few years! And all of a sudden she thinks it's unfair that she doesn't get pocketmoney.

Huh!

All these years I've offered pocketmoney if only the kids did something to earn it and now she was indignant that she didn't get it despite not helping out.

I gave her the choice.

Help out and get pocketmoney

or

Don't help out and don't get pocketmoney.

Fortunately, she has matured enough intellectually to know that helping out and receiving financial renumeration makes sense!

We settled (well, I reserve the right to expand it so settled isn't exactly the right word) on a chore list...

daily chores, weekly chores, fortnightly chores.

and then the extra little jobs that are actually big jobs, for which she might get more pennies out of me...

Now there are chores that I just hate doing and a few of them are...
Ironing
Weeding the garden
Washing the car

So boy, was I just surprised when looking outside and remarking on the state of the garden, my daughter said, 'I'll do the weeding if you like'... she didn't even ask for an hourly rate! (that's my daughter pictured above doing some weeding, she even braved the slugs and snails and spiders and ants!). AND because she worked so hard & didn't ask for payment, it was actually a real pleasure to thank her and give her a small monetry token of my appreciation.

As for my son, well at the moment he's getting a smaller amount of pocketmoney because of the ages difference, but mostly because he does very little and when he does do something he expects trumpets from heaven to make sounds of praise for him!!!

He takes out the rubbish (trash) when it's overflowing and moves mugs left laying aorund the lounge by my ...wait for it...daughter (yup! We still have a way to go with her!)..but that's about the extent of his helpfulness.

Anyway, that's the way the land lies at the moment. I hope this situation continues to improve because their lack of care for their home and to my feelings over the years, has been a big stumbling block to our family living together harmoniously. I've done this alone for so long and I'm finally beginning to see some small fruits for all my efforts, it's a good thing to see. I pray it won't be as short lived as all their other attempts.

May our children bless all our lives, and may we find blessing in them, no matter how hard we might struggle to *see*just where that blessing is :-)

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posted by ukok
Tuesday, May 01, 2007

17 comments